If I Were a Baseball Player...

If I had been born a male, my number one job choice would have been F-16 pilot for the US Navy. Yes, I was heavily influenced by the movie Top Gun!! But, my second job choice would have been Major League baseball player. I went to the Padres game last night, and Jared and I were talking quite a bit about the game past and present. It got me thinking about the what-if's had I been lucky, talented, and, well, man enough to go down that path....

If I Were a Baseball Player:

1. I would not be married. What's the point? It seems to me that with all that fame, money, and athletic ability, a ball player could have a different beautiful companion as often as desired. Are any MLB players faithful to their wives?? I seriously doubt it! Why be unfaithful and potentially hurt that one woman? Why give up half my ungodly income and scar my kids in the divorce? Just stay single and live it up. I'm just saying - that's what I would do.

2. I would be a pitcher. Now of course, this makes big assumptions about my body composition, strength, and talent, but it's my dream world so I can be a pitcher if I want. To me, the pitcher/batter duel is the most exciting part of the game - the mental and physical come together in the blink of an eye. I love it when a pitcher can use all of his skill as a planner and an athlete to outwit a pitcher. There's nothing better than seeing an opposing power hitter swing way in front of a third-strike change-up or way above a wicked curve as the bottom falls out of it. Yeah, I'd want to be the guy responsible for that.

3. I know it's not such a problem for pitchers, but say I was an outfielder instead - I would not use steroids, HGH, or any of that nonsense. Putting up huge numbers and breaking records is great and all. I certainly can understand the desire to be a superstar. But it's so apparent which guys are juicing - why would you want to always be remembered with an asterisk next to your name. Call me crazy, but I'd much rather be a Tony Gwynn than a Barry Bonds... a Greg Maddux than a Roger Clemens.

4. My song, when I came up to bat (yes, I know I'm a pitcher, but I'm apparently in the National League and an amazing hitter!) would be "Groove is in the Heart" by DeeLite. This song from the late 80's is like a shot of adrenaline every time I hear it. I realize it's a bit girly for a superstar ball player, but what the hell...

5. And finally, I would retire with dignity. I would hang up my mitt at the apex of my career and I would stay retired, for goodness sakes. Some of these boys are hanging on way past their prime, even if it means bouncing around from team to team just to extend the glory for another year or two. I know there's money to be made and obviously these players have some real talent left if they are able to score contracts, but I would love to be the one of those few who goes out on top - and stays there.

So, there's my pipe dream. Perhaps if I'm a good girl in this life, the spinners of the karmic web will allow me to come back as a baseball hero in the next. Let's just hope I don't forget all of my lofty goals should I make it to the show...